When People Say Goodbye

he loves his career, i prefer humanity. he wants to explore the market, i wanna lead a happy and simple life. perhaps as what everybody has said, we aren't meant to be. i used to be loved, but that's the past. it's already very far away and i shouldn't carry it with me. some people never found true love, since i have at least found mine, shouldn't i be contented ?? love is not to keep them in possession but to set them free.

today i was walking home with a friend. he told me " hey there was a guy looking over at us all the time as we walked passed him. " so i thought "did i wear my shirt inside out ?? " he asked "is that your friend ??" i turned around but due to mild night blindness and lack of sleep, i couldn't see anyone. so i just walked off. 15minutes after i reached home, my friend msged me saying that he think it was him that we saw. that was when i realised everything.

last time when my friend said that someone kept looking over, i would at the first instant turn to see if it's him. if he were to send me this msg last time, i would have cried my eyes swollen again, but i didn't. this pain may not hurt the most as compared to others, but it's the most complicated feeling i ever faced.

now i don't feel the pain, i still cry but perhaps it's all numbed. even if god is to really be kind to me, and give him to me again, i may not dare to want him anymore. because after almost 8months of struggling, everything already seem impossible to me. hopes were dashed again and again. if he were to come back, it'll all be like a dream, not reality. maybe it will already be too much for me to accept. but who cares, i know he has long ago forgotten about me.

he didn't even say "hi" when he saw me. he said that he'll collect his dictionary back from me when he passes by my area, but he did not. he ignored my msges. so i guess that's very much 3 blows in a day. even if it really wasn't him, i'm really sure that he doesn't love me anymore.

for the past 8months, i thought of him at least 20times a day, his name hung at my mouth at least 40times. for some of you, it may seem very lil, but we are ex steads who see each other less than 2times a month. i could have shed an ocean of tears for him but will they bring him back ?? boy, it's you who made me strong.

i may have lost another part of me, but i definitely learnt a heavy lesson, and that is not to love anymore until you are sure he loves you. you left my heart hanging at its verge, yet pushing it up not to let it die. that is what your love did to me. i have said many times that i'll give up, this time i dont know if there'll still be a relapse. but this time is the least painful one, because i'm already numb, by seeing the one i love change so much.

i feel like letting everything go, it's too dark and heavy to carry. i need some light, someone to love and care for me like you used to do. i wanna love another person who puts enough effort to love me back. that's why, i haven't loved another since you left. but now that i'm almost dead, i should give the last drop of hopes a chance, to let me meet someone better than you. i'm gonna survive w/o you, i will try. please forgive me for every single lil thing i've done.

from now on like what you said, we'll go back to the days when we were still strangers, i make my changes, you make yours. whether we'll meet again, we'll leave it up to fate. it's a painful ending but yet a memorable one. goodbye from the deepest heart, maybe i loved you, maybe not ..

the thing with love is that, it actually makes you believe a lie.

good luck to my new found life
*buried miseries

' SHATTERED <3>
1/18/2007 09:24:00 PM