When People Say Goodbye

a few weeks, one or two maybe, i knew somebody from some friends. he gave me a special feeling, or perhaps, he kind of captured my attention. he's a lil unique compared to other people i know. so far only 2 people gave me that type of feeling. one is him, the other, obvious enough.

however, my heart told me not to get serious with guys anymore. it's just the beginning of this feeling, easy to remove. so yeah, i'll just let it go. also because i know our char are far too diff from each other to the extent where there will be many parts of our personalities that both of us can't accomodate. plus, i'm definitely not his type. i'm not mature, not understanding, not gentle, just none of the qualities that a guy seek in his girl. this type of guy won't like me de. i haven't started to develop any "feeling" for him, so just forget it =)

after this turmoil i have been since 9th june 2006 till now, i think it's time i went back to myself 2 years ago. in this almost one year period, 3 people came in and outta my life, only one could stay in my heart, the 2nd one in my mind.

the 3rd one, i don't know what to do, no amount of anything i say can wake him up, so i rather just not bother. not that i still like him, but i will never ever leave somebody in danger like that. i forced him to do many things that he don't like, threw tantrums at him, make things difficult. but i have my reasons to it. i'm already trying my best to help, however i can't tell you why, because things are not meant to be said when time isn't ripe. since you just refuse to do anything despite my countless hints and naggings, then forget it. prepare for your own future then. now play is the most important to you, as long as you get what you want, you don't care how others feel, or rather, you forget about people regardless whether they are impt or not. continue to seep into your own unrealistic sanctuary, i wash my hands off you. better than i get disappointed time and again. is it really so hard to do something for a person you claim to be the most important to you. or was it just talk and nothing done ?? i see no effort put in, a total waste of my time on you. i'm disappointed and upset over you, totally.

go ahead, smug at me when you have a better paying than me. go ahead and say "haha, who wants that shit you introduced." you'll see in no many years what i mean. your high-paying job is not forever. don't weigh anything with money, if not, don't regret when you can't get something that money can't buy in future. i'm talking about your future. i hate you for not taking a sense of responsibility for whatever you say or do in a moment of folly.

you are the most shallow person i've ever seen. only considering the benefits displayed in front of you, and not bothering about any consequences you or others have to face after your foolishness. selfish to other, and yourself too. as long as the person gives you what you want, then everything is ok. after that, you just kick them away, no responsibility taken.

there was once, 2years back, one of my ex-boyfriends told me to be serious in relationships, as in, really dead serious. he told me not to toy around anymore, to treat the feelings of others with more caution. i tried, ever since then, i was serious in every relationship after that. but i regret doing so.

ever since i changed, none of them seem to take me seriously. i often have emotional upsets and nobody cares cause they think i'm just like that, it'll be over soon. but no, i will always remember. nobody takes me seriously too, so why should i ?? i hate him for changing me, to put me into all this shit. i could have lived w/o this agony if not for him. afterall, all the people i loved had never loved me back. so ?? what's the big deal ?? i don't need love, i can just flirt with anyone i want.

i rejected a guy today. i almost agreed to be his girl. but i don't like ah bengs, and my boyfriend to go clubbing or stay out late every single day with god-knows-who. maybe twice a week, but not every alternate day. when he proposed, i was happy for a second because someone "love" me. not that love i want but at least something half of it. but i just don't wish to get hrut or be involved in any sticky situations, so i kind of isolate myself today.

the one i love most don't really care about me already. i was depressed yesterday but i didn't wanna find him with that crying face, so i told him i'll go when day breaks. but he rejected cause he wanted to sleep. well well well, i can't expected too much right. but it's damn different now, not even when we were just friends, not even like before 30th of april. not like when he was my god daddy. i always wished for him to say, "i lend you my shoulder." or " you still have me to care(as a good friend). but even that can't be done now. that's what serious relationships do to you. when you are serious, people don't want to, thus avoiding you after a breakup and nothing becomes normal at all. maybe i confide in him too much that he's sick of me. i wanna disappear from him for a long period of time then find him so that he feels better seeing me. but once or twice in a few months, i just feel like having a long chat with him.

i know that he's not willing to listen to my nonsense, but he's just patronising me because right after we broke up, he told me that he'll still care for me. this is not what i want, or rather what i don't wish to have at all. i just hope for a lil care from a friend which is true from the heart, not some shallow words that come out from the mouth.is it so diff to care for someone you don't like or is sick of, or your ex ?? but the main reason should be: you shifted attention to other people already. or maybe, you didn't shift, you choose to care for everyone, except me. anyway, thanks.

SHIT !!! i just said that i won't be serious =.= i sound liek everyone's letting me down huh ?? of course i too, let down many people before. perhaps this is retribution to heed that fella's words and be serious. so from now on, i'll just be what's me in year 2004, toy around. when i like it, i be good, when i don't like then i don't meet you. bad luck for any guy not reading this and meeting me in future. i can jinx you if you come close to me now, so just stay far far. i try not to play around la. but if someone "song shang men lai" then too bad for him. now it's only friends that i treasure, not guys anymore.

jolynn can be the worst poison you ever find. she can make you hate her like what so just stay away from her. try hurting her now, and see what you get. maybe she'll just kill herself and haunt you like a malicious ghost.

I WANNA FLIRT.

' SHATTERED <3>
3/17/2007 02:36:00 AM