When People Say Goodbye

am blogging in this color obviously because of my mood. i'm not exactly in a very bad mood, but just feeling rather down.

i bluffed justien that i was gonna blog about him but actually not that much about him la. ok yes, in the end we didn't catch the movie and spent the whole day looking at them sleep, but that's not the point la.

i don't know am i thinking too much or what. am i leading him on ?? i can sense that no matter what happened just now, it's just for the sake of having fun, yeah we sure had some fun. why are there so many "flings" that make me feel so insecure. i need someone stable, not just anyone to relieve ourselves from pain occasionally. i know it's all just a day of fun, so why my stupid farktard brain take it so hard ??? i really hate this feeling, like i've nowhere to go and will disappear anytime.

maybe i'm being too emotional. but i really don't know what we are feeling. it seemed so serious yet so fake. i don't know, i shouldn't have delved too much into this platonic relationship bringing myself more misery. i really should not have .....

somehow i know what he seek in me is not commitment but fun. at least it's a yes for his side. besides, we are also at the scrutiny of my past, our peers. take it as i thick-skinned la, even if anyone initiates a commitment, am i up to it ??? when i can't even let go of simple things called "memories".

it feels like i'm turning in circles and loops. i always thought that that's the end of me and him, but my next encounter, will always bring the gap of the pain back together. why is it so easy to torture me ??? i just wanna be happy and loved like any other girl. just a simple guy who really cares and loves me. i don't want the world, i just want my heart back.

i guess .... it's just my life, my fate that leaves me with no one who really loves me. maybe no matter how much i try, it'll just make things worse, because it's just so not mine.

i'm not envious, jealous or whatever. but i just hate the contempt i feel that you have towards me. i did nothing wrong by appearing, seriously nothing fucking wrong. there might be a prejudice against me but is there basic respect not to whisper blatantly in front of people. i feel eff-ing discriminated at first, but i decided that i didn't have much say about it, so the best is to keep quiet.

i feel unwanted, unwelcomed and untreasured. is there a "someone" that will bring me outta this ?? with all his heart .... i need that "someone", i feel like i'm breaking down anytime soon.

lastly, about this topic ..... LIFE SUCKS !!!

BENCHERS !!!

can we change the gathering to the week after next ? i forgot that next week is my exam week. sorry guys. i love you all !!! see you guys really soon ok ??

' SHATTERED <3>
8/12/2007 12:11:00 AM